It was a beautiful early spring day, and after three hours of purgatory class, I walked down to my favorite park and watched the sun set over Worcester. The sky was clear, or at least, clear by English standards; what clouds that remained were bathed in pink and orange light as the sun made its slow plummet towards the horizon between the Malverns and the Cathedral. I was reminded of the last time I had watched - really watched - a sunset: August 29th, 2012. That night I had driven out to one of my favorite places to watch the night fall, for less than 12 hours later I would be leaving for Duluth, and everything would change.
See, I wasn't used to change. In my eyes, I haven't changed since like middle school. I mean, once I discovered the Beatles and got my first computer, the stage was pretty much set for everything that came after. Even most of my clothes are 4+ years old. But the thing you have to realize about change is that it has a nasty habit of sneaking up on you...
I've put off writing this post for a long time. I've gone through so many iterations of this post in my head that it has apparently looped back around to writing this post about writing this post.
But anyway. Let's talk about goals.
I had a turbulent summer, and in the middle of it I created a list of goals for my upcoming year abroad. It is an interesting and eclectic list, but it is well-balanced with a few easily-achievable goals and a few stretch goals. I was not in the best place when I wrote it, so even as I arrived in England I wasn't sure if I was going to take it seriously.
Soon after I got back from Barcelona, I opened my neglected, 50-cent Walmart journal and looked at the list once again. It surprised me to see that I had completed a fair few of them since coming to England:
Stay in a hostel
Go to Spain
Go to Stonehenge
Travel by train
Spend Christmas and New Year's Eve with cool people
I certainly have never considered myself a goal-setting person, but being able to cross those particular items off the list felt pretty good. Since coming here I've been in constant fear that I'm wasting my nine months in Worcester by taking the occasional chance to relax. Barcelona was fun, probably the best thing I've ever done, but I don't know how ready I am for another big trip. I've come to realize that I have no reason to be ashamed of what I do or don't get a chance to do over here, and measuring my successes against what others are doing is probably not going to end well. It wasn't really a big revelation, but I feel like it's an important one nonetheless.
All that said, I have seen some really awesome places. This past weekend I went to London with the UMD group and I got to spend some quality time on the London Underground, chasingthedreams of my past lives. It reminded me of the first time I was really in a big city - Chicago, 2010, band and choir trip. Back then, I said I wanted to move to a metropolis only because I knew I wanted to leave where I was. That feeling certainly hasn't disappeared, but it has mellowed a bit. I think I've come to respect that the choice between an urban and rural lifestyle is not a dichotomy. Being in a big city, surrounded by people and tall buildings and more life than I have ever known gives me a completely different feeling from the isolation that driving on unpaved roads through fields does. And I know these feelings are complementary, and they will be with me forever no matter where I go.
Ultimately, I have but one goal for this year, and it is simple: don't come back as the same person that left.
Some of you may know that I spoke at my high school graduation. I guess I'm still proud of that speech, for the most part, but there's one part in particular that sticks in my memory:
"Right now, I’m still a little scared. But I’m not going to face my future like a deer in headlights, because it’s my future. And it’s exciting."
I have a confession to make: I lied. At that time, I wasn't excited about the future, or scared either. I didn't know what to think, because I don't usually think that far ahead. All I knew was that I was looking at another long, hot Minnesota summer and at the end of it, I would be going away. I certainly couldn't have guessed what I would actually be getting myself into. Change was coming, and, ironically enough, I was exactly like a deer in headlights (without the imminent threat of death, I suppose.)
During high school I came to develop an image of myself, a certain set of things that Mitchell Rysavy knows about himself and what he believes and what he wants to do with his life. Actually, if there's one thing I'm most sure about, it's my future self. Past Mitchell can be a jerk sometimes, but I've found out that future Mitchell is a pretty cool guy that you should totally hang out with sometime. So I've learned I don't need to be too concerned with the future, because if I do my part now, future Mitchell's got my back. Or... front? Whatever.
My freshman year ended up being the best and most challenging year of my life up to that point. Gone were any expectations set by anyone who knew me, and gone was any preconceived ideas of what Mitchell Rysavy would or should do when he walks into a room. Unlike many, I don't think I changed that much, but I did notice that many of the truths that I held to be self-evident about myself started crumbling. I started to question their use as a foundation for Mitchell as a person, and in doing so I slowly redefined myself in this new light. I gave myself a tuneup, if you're the kind of person that uses car metaphors for everything.
The point is, after a successful freshman year at UMD, I somehow managed to ensure that I wasn't going right back for a successful sophomore year - instead, I'd be going to Worcester taking a gamble in the success department. Why? I get this question lot from everyone, and from myself most of all. Why did I come to the University of Worcester? Why Worcester? Why England?
The truth is, even after three months here, I don't have a nice, prepackaged answer to these questions. I don't really know - but logically there must be a reason. I didn't really choose the University of Worcester specifically, and - interestingly enough - I didn't come here for academics. I just came because I saw an opportunity to do something different, and it fit with the new Mitchell - the same Mitchell who found his way to classroom on his third day on campus, and listened to a presentation about coming to some place called Worcester.
I didn't do it because I have some greater life plan that it fulfills, because I still don't think that far ahead. No, I came here because I saw that I was changing and I liked it, and I trusted that post-Worcester Mitchell would be near-unrecognizable from the person that gave that speech not so very long ago - I just needed a little push to get there.
